From diagnoses to seroquel

My diagnosis of bipolar disorder is quite recent. For perhaps six years, I was under the impression that it was depression mixed with some severe anxiety — but after being admitted to the hospital in the fall, a new chapter began. With this came a slew of counsellors and doctors, who finally decided that “y’know what? This is bipolar.” I also was diagnosed with the oh-so-obvious: anxiety and panic disorders.

My daily experience is quite exhausting, which I’m sure many of you will understand. Going from small peaks of brilliance —but your thoughts racing and morphing so quickly that you can’t possibly write them down for posterity— to lengthy dips of hiding under blankets, avoiding the world and assignments and deadlines. With my daily doses of panic, I would look down at my word processor, type in maybe two sentences, and then begin to freak out. “This is crap!” “But have you considered this and this and this and this?” “How will you connect this idea to this and this and this? Maybe you should talk about this, or this, before you talk about this.” “Oh, boy. I feel dizzy.” “Good job, two sentences! Time to take a nap.”

As a rather ambitious grad student, these diagnoses are a blessing and a curse. It helps explain why it would sometimes take me months to finish a paper, and why I’ve had to push applications back time and time again. But on the other hand, will it be a stumbling block? Will my PhD applications be brushed aside, the departments deciding they’d rather not give a spot to someone who may fall apart and fizzle out, like he already has before?

I’ve been on Effexor for over five years, but only this year have we realized that it’s been doing diddley-squat for me. Four weeks of lamitrogine have only made me nauseous and exhausted. But I’m now on my second day of seroquel — and I must admit that I’m already noticing that my panic and mood swings have settled down. Sure, I also feel like a super-sleepy, dopey Eeyore that woke up at 2:30 in the afternoon yesterday, but as you can see here… I’m able to write. I can do work in between naps.

And this is AWESOME. 

But now I’m thinking to myself: is this just a particularly long (for me) manic peak? Is this what Normal People feel like? Or am I just having a regular upswing? Time will tell!

Q:I've always wondered how people can be on nine different meds at the same time. I'm currently on two: Effexor, which we're slowly taking me off of, and a new prescription for Seroquel, which is replacing Lamitrogine. Sure, I also have my miracle pills of Ativan and clonazepam, but those are additional once-in-a-blue-moon 'treats'.

m-dalloway

The idea behind it is that the medicines work together to help. If that works for you then more power to you and your doctor but more isn’t always better.

The most medicines I’ve ever been on was 5. Lamictal, Lithium, Ativan, Saphris, and Wellbutrin. And they didn’t work. A couple of things contributed to getting on all those medications at once. The main thing was that I had a bad doctor. He seemed to think that I had an ‘equilibrium’ or some shit. Except it didn’t work. The reality was he just kept putting me on medicines that weren’t working and I couldn’t go off of them for fear of withdrawal making me even worse.

In the end I ended up in the hospital where they were able to safely take me off of everything but the lamictal and saphris. Being on all those medicines was actually making me worse. I ended up switching doctors after that because my old doctor wanted to put me back on everything. Even when I told him I felt better without them.

I’m not saying that less is always more. Everything works differently for everyone. And definitely don’t go off of medications without doctor supervision. But don’t be afraid to switch doctors if they won’t listen to you or you aren’t comfortable with what they’re doing.

Accepting Guest and Regular Submitters

This Is Bipolar is always accepting guest submissions and we’re currently looking for regular bloggers too!

We accept all kinds of submissions, it just has to be related to bipolar.

All personal submissions will undergo a 24 hour waiting period. This gives you a chance to retract the submission or update it if you sent it in rash. 

If you want to be a regular blogger just send 2 separate submissions. If we like what we see then we’ll contact you about a permanent position.

I hope to be reading submissions soon!

On Finding the Right Meds

When I was 16, I had my first depression. Six months later, I was on Lamictal and Effexor and I was stable. I know now that I was very very lucky to find a good mix so quickly. I didn’t know how good I had it. Sure, I was able to get out of bed in the morning, but I still cried at the drop of a hat and had to make sure I went to bed on time or face depression for the next week. I still felt sick. All in all, I was functioning very well, though. I was in student leadership, I made the dean’s list, I graduated from college.

It was the winter after I graduated that I started having problems. There were many things that could have triggered it. I was fighting with my mother, I wasn’t able to keep my sleep schedule, it could have been anything or everything. I crashed for the first time in 3 years. I quit my job. 

I spent the next 2 and a half years trying to find medications that worked again. It took 2 years of countless combinations for me to give up hope. It took a long time, but I did give up hope. It was when I gave up hope that I really hit rock bottom. It was only the knowledge of how much I would hurt my fiance that kept me from killing myself. What was the point of living if I was never going to get better? Nothing was ever going to work, why be miserable for a lifetime? I didn’t know how much control I would have, and that’s what landed me in the hospital for the third time. It wasn’t the hospital that gave me my miracle combination, but they did get me off of 3 medications that I needed to get off of in order to get there. It was a month later that I was stable for the first time in 2 and a half years.

Do you know what it feels like to go back to work for the first time in years? To not feel the constant pull of an unnatural mood? You will. Because no matter how many medicines you have tried, there are MORE. And even if, somehow, you’ve tried every single bipolar medicine out there (you haven’t), you haven’t tried every combination or dosage. There IS a miracle cocktail for you. Do you know the chances of none of the endless combinations working for you? Ok, you got me, I don’t either, but it has to be low. 

So, one more time, don’t give up hope. Because when your miracle finally comes, you’ll feel pretty silly for ever doubting it. I sure do.

Q:Is it possible to never have to change meds ever again. Like if Im doing really well is it possible that I will do well forever or - is bipolar progressive? There must have been one person who has never had to change?

Anonymous

I don’t have any sources for this, I looked but couldn’t find any. Here’s what a doctor at the hospital told me. Every 7-10 years your body chemistry changes enough that whatever is working for you now won’t work anymore and you have to find a new mix that will work with your new body chemistry.

Welcome back, everyone.

I started this group blog because I was in a dark period of my life. I needed to share my experiences with others and be a part of a community of those going through the same kind of things. Since then, a lot has happened. I got worse, then I got a little better, then I got even worse, then I thought I was out of the woods, then I hit rock bottom, and finally finally I found the right mix of medications and circumstances to become stable. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of the importance of this blog. And it is important. 

I’d like to thank those who contributed in my absence and encourage them to keep contributing. This was started as a group blog and I hope to keep it that way. (On the same note, I’m accepting applications for new bloggers.)

In the next few days I’ll be doing a few things. I’ll be posting my thoughts on what’s happened in the past year and a half and trying to get through the questions that have been piling up too. 

And finally, thanks to all the new subscribers. It’s those emails that pestered me enough to get me back into the saddle on this.

Good Roll

How is everyone doing? I haven’t heard from anyone for a long time.

Anyway, I’ve been on a good roll these past few months. I’m taking Lamictal as mood stabilizer and Zoloft to lift me up at the moment because of the intense stress at work.

Had some hurdles along the way. My mom got hospitalized while she was abroad, and she had to stay there an extended time. I had to take over the household while she and my dad were out for a month. It’s actually so much pressure suddenly needing to be in charge, especially because I’m used to just minding myself.

Work stress is absolutely overwhelming, because there is so much to accomplish so that we can launch our project this coming December 15. Time is running out, and there’s still so much to do. But I am hanging on.

But so far, I think I’ll get by. My golly I can only imagine how difficult it would have been to deal if I wasn’t on my prescription and if I were not doing therapy. Of course, the people around are such a big help too. But being able to handle it better by myself, I’m happy just not being an added headache to anyone else.

Better or worse?

Haven’t updated in a while. Guess I’ve been far too busy with work. Sometimes it’s good to be really busy, I get to focus more on work than other stuff. I’m more prone to feeling depressed when I’m not doing much.

So, around three weeks ago I went to see my psych again, just for my “how are you doing now” session. Told her it’s been stressful at work, and it really was. She prescribed me an additional medication - Sertraline, or more commonly known as Zoloft to most people (although it’s know by some other name where I am). It’s an antidepressant, and I was put on very low dose just to help me out with the stress and keep me from going depressed. Not sure if it is working well though. For some reason, I feel more down than up ever since I started on it. Has anyone experienced this while on Zoloft?

I’ll tell my doc when I see her again, although that’s still three weeks from now. I was thinking of slowly going off the meds, since I haven’t taken it for a long time yet. Maybe I have to feel my way through it. If I don’t feel any better in the next few days, I’ll slowly go off it.

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